Entries in Cali (1)

Thursday
Sep272012

Going Back to Cali

 

I'm going back to Cali, shakin 'em, bakin 'em
Takin 'em to spots they never before hung
?? the place, on Sunset it's a trip
Where the A.C.'s cold, and the girls still strip
The record skip, but this girl kept dancin
Prancin, grindin, grinnin, romancin
I asked her to the barn, so we could hit the hay
I wanna do this, Brutus, but I don't wanna pay

I'm going back to Cali, Cali, Cali
I'm going back to Cali - no man I don't think so

I'm back in California after 22 years. 22 years of bad choices, big mistakes and unexpected grace. I think about that poor misguided little girl who ran screaming left all those years ago and I want to reach out and yank her back, shake her and scream, "what the F*& do you think you are doing! No good can come from this!" Of course I'd be right, but even if she knew how right I was she wouldn't have listened. She would have to figure it out for herself.

I still don't have it all figured out, I wish I did, but do any of us ever? I wish I could say that I am a totally different person than I was 22 years ago, and in many ways I am, but there is still enough of that self-destructive, desperately seeking...something lost girl left to give me pause and wish I were better, further along, more successful...different.

It so easy to mourn the person you aren't, the woman you want to be. It's harder to look honestly and see the growth, change, goodness, the character beneath the scars. The road that still needs to be traveled is so much easier to see that the one already traversed. 

 I'm a great mom, with two great kids, I have a good career, and am good at my job, I'm healthy. None, of which could be said about the girl who left here all those years ago. Not even close. How far we have come.